Baby in a Box

I haven’t written in a long, long time.  Even now I am writing I think more for recording these days than for therapy, which is ok too.  I don’t have anything witty to say and can’t guarantee that I will.  We have had so much happen since April that I can’t possibly catch up.  The pain that came from everything…I really can’t address it.  I can’t think about it, I just keep looking ahead because if I think about it too much, I start to fall.  And once the fall starts, everything else comes crashing down.  I sob, hiccup, lose the ability to focus.  We’ll never know why, Evan.  What surrounded you and invaded you, and made you pull the trigger.  But you are loved, so much. And missed more than you could ever, ever imagine.  My heart hurts to think of you, the little boy who wore cowboy boots and shorts, the young  man who I had to bribe to mow my grass…the orneriness that was always there.  I can’t think of it anymore right now…I just wish you were here.

Our IVF was canceled right before Evan died.  I felt like we lost another baby, and then the call that E had…well, you know.  That pain, that grief….that was more than anything other thing I have ever experienced.  There are no words.  I felt extremely selfish to feel bad about our IVF cancellation, when my nephew wasn’t even alive any more.  An emotional roller coaster like no other.

However, time has passed and we were handed another opportunity to throw our goodies in a dish and cross our fingers!  We are keeping things quiet.  Haven’t told hardly a soul, except maybe a couple people.  Thanks to Hurricane Sandy and the threat of losing power (and my meds that needed refrigerated!), I sauntered down to our neighbors with a generator to ask them to store my meds. I don’t want all the questions and if it wouldn’t work, I don’t want people that don’t know it didn’t to ask me when I’m due.  After 4 1/2 years of trying for another baby, we’re ready.  We are ready like never before. 

So many pregnancies in the past years have been announced and at first, it didn’t bother me.  I just thought we needed more time.  But as time passed, the first year, then the second…and we’ve passed our fourth–it’s distressing.  More than that, it’s heartache.  Multiple women I know have had multiple pregnancies and deliveries since we’ve been trying.  Most without “trying” or “on accident”.  I don’t understand why it can’t be that easy for us, but then again it seems like anything rarely happens that easily for us.

This time though–it HAS to work.  Or I’m going to be one big hormonal hot mess.  We’re going to Shady Grove, which is one of the nation’s top fertility centers.  We have one shot at this–due to financial reasons.  IVF is unbelievably expensive.  Not just the entirety of the procedures, but my meds were over $3K.  Ri-freaking-diculous. Luckily enough, I have two friends who just went through and were successful, so they donated $1600 worth of meds to me.  Yay!!

I started stimming on November 14.  Jeesh!  I have given thousands of shots, but never a single one to myself.  Talk about nerve-wracking! Now this next part is strictly for my record keeping 😉

Wed Nov 14– Follistim 150, Menopur 75

Thurs Nov 15–Follistim 150, Menopur 75

Fri Nov 16–Follistim 150, Menopur 75

On Saturday the 17th, I had my monitoring appointment.  Holy eggs!  I had 18 on my right and 17 on my left.  No doubt–I feel like I’m carrying bowling balls in my pelvis.  My lining was ok at 7.4, but my E2 level was high at 530.

So I start freaking out because the nurse (not my nurse) called and told me I had to decrease my meds since my E2 was so high.  Of course I google everything and it gave me more of a panic.

Sat Nov 17– Follistim 112, Menopur 37.5

I went back this morning and I had a ton of eggies growing–one had already grown to 14mm from 10 overnight.  My lining increased to 11.4 overnight!!!!!!  My E2 level was 922–so I was all nervous and had bubble guts just thinking the worst.  But my nurse called and lo and behold, she said things looked fantastic!!  And my E2 level was so high because I had SO many eggs!!  I feel so much better.  I start Ganirelix tonight, which suppresses ovulation.  So now I’ll be up to 3 shots daily. 

Things are moving along quite nicely!  Egg retrieval should be coming up soon.  I go back to the doctor on Tuesday and we’ll go from there.

So, to discuss these shots.  My awesome husband has insisted on giving them to me, which is great.  We’ve decided to make videos of each night.  Oh my–if people thought we were crazy before, they have no idea.



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Angel Baby…

I can’t take credit for this, but I loved it so much I had to post it. 

Daddy, please don’t look so sad,

Mama, please don’t cry.

I am in the arms of Jesus

And He sings me lullabies.


Please try not to question God,

Don’t think He is unkind.

Don’t think He sent me to you

And then He changed His mind.


You see, I am a special child,

And I’m needed up above.

I’m the special gift you gave Him,

The product of your love.


I’ll always be there with you

And watch the sky at night.

Find the brightest star that’s gleaming,

It’s my halo’s brilliant light.


You’ll see me in the morning frost

That mists your window pane.

That’s me in the summer showers,

I’ll be dancing in the rain.


When you feel a little breeze

From gentle winds that blow,

That’s me! I’m there with you–

Planting kisses on your nose!


When you see a child playing

And your heart feels a tug—

It’s just me again, mama

Giving you extra hugs.


So Daddy, please don’t look so sad,

Mama don’t you cry.

I’m in the arms of Jesus

And He sings me lullabies.

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Defeated, Again.

This is the look of defeat.  Of absolute misery and pissed-offedness.  Yes, I made up a word.  I’m an intellectual genius.

Baby, anyone? Not for us.

Red nose, inflamed from non-stop crying?  Check.

Dark circles under eyes from sleeplessness?  Double check.

Raw lips from constantly chewing on them out of nervous anticipation?  Definitely.

Another cycle in the shitter?  Most definitely.

We’re done with everything for right now.  I can’t do it.  If I can’t get pregnant with 5 eggs floating around, then fuck it.  I can’t get pregnant.  I can’t.  So fuck it.  I’m tired of trying and paying for something that we can’t achieve.

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Fingers Crossed, Legs Not!


This cycle is it.  Best cycle ever–I had 5 follies5!!!  My lining was perfect, Big Daddy’s counts were fabulous…I just feel it.  This is it!!  We got the “extremely high chance for multiples” speech and you know what?  That’s ok–I’m ready for them.  Because if we have twins, we’re done.  No more stressing about trying to have another baby–we’ll be done!  Although Big Daddy says if we would have twin girls we may have to try for a boy, but um…I’m the one pushing out the babies and I’m pretty sure I get the final say in that matter.

We find out in two weeks if it worked.  These two weeks are the longest of my life, seriously.  I do have work to keep me busy, but it’s still hard to keep my mind from churning.

Oh!  We found a house, finally!!  It is so much nicer than the one we’re in now and way better than the one the realtor gave to the old geezer instead of us.  But anyhow–it’s a 3 bedroom, 2 bath brick ranch, with a full basement and double attached garage and lots of yard to play!  It is just beautiful with all hardwood floors (except the living/dining room) and we are very blessed to come upon it.  Apparently my ad in the newspaper paid off!  We’ll be moving May 1st–I seriously cannot wait.

So finding a new house, coupled with a friggin fabulous cycle has me thinking March is our month.  Has to be.  If this cycle worked, my due date would be December 4, five days shy of my previous due date.  Big Daddy and I have been through so much that I am hoping God gives us a break.  A for real break. Please.

Drama Queen has started T Ball and it’s so hilarious to watch.  She loves it though, which is good.  No crying out on the field, no shyness, just cat-like reflexes pouncing on the ball as it rolls towards her.


Who needs open eyes to hit the ball? Not Sissy!


To go on with my list, something I need to forgive myself for.  Oh my gosh, there are so many things, but the main one sticking out in my mind is Peyton.  I know losing our baby isn’t my fault, that sometimes it “just happens”, but I can’t help but think I could have done something different…It’s been almost a year and I still get choked up thinking about Peyton.  It’s not fair, it’s just not. 

I do need to forgive myself, but I can’t entirely.  Because I feel if I place the blame on me, it makes me less angry at God for taking our baby.  I can blame myself and try to not be so accusatory towards Him.

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Waiting sucks. Just plain sucks.

So I’ve been a really, really, good girl this cycle.  I’m not supposed to test until Thursday…but I couldn’t hold out anymore!  I took a Clearblue Easy digital a couple days ago, it said “Not Pregnant”–yay!  The trigger left earlier this time!  So of course I’ve now moved on to First Response, which are a lot more sensitive.  I had a very very very faint line last night, but now I wonder if it’s still my trigger since these tests are way more sensitive than CBE.  I don’t know!  Damn myself for starting these tests before my intended day!!  This morning I took another FRER and it was still faint, but darker than last night.  Is it darker because my pee was more concentrated, or is it darker because I’ve got a little bambino burrowed away?  Only a couple days will tell…dang!  Patience is a virtue I don’t possess.

Onward to my list…something I love about myself.  I’m going to be brutally honest here…when am I not?!  There is not a lot I love about myself.  I have drastically low self-esteem.  Things that are beat into a person for years tend to stick around. 

I am tenacious.  When I go after something, I go with guns blazing, full throttle.  I love that about me.  I don’t half-ass things.  If I’m going to do something, I do it right. 

So there, I did it.  One thing I love about myself.  Mission completed.

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Say What?

So last Saturday’s ultrasound sucked.  I wasn’t ready, although I had four follicles, none of them were big enough.  Rescheduled for a repeat ultrasound 3 days later and I had two!  19.5 mm and 21 mm, one on each side–WOOHOO!!!  The Moonster said they would both release, so that ups our ante this cycle!  We sexed it up the day of my trigger shot, did an IUI Wednesday, another one on Thursday, and sexed it up on Thursday too.  We did everything possible to ensure pregnancy this cycle…and if it doesn’t happen, I am going to be truly bummed.  I am feeling super optimistic this time.  Big Daddy’s counts were stellar!

I can’t take a HPT until February 24…OMG.  I may very well die of anticipation these next two weeks!!  Last time I took a test every single day, and I believe I had a chemical pregnancy.  Absolutely devastated me.  This time, I would rather not know and just have a negative test.  I can’t deal with losing more babies.

Oh!  The Moonster started me on Progesterone suppositories this cycle.  Joy Oh Joy.  I can barely contain my excitement of the feeling of my moonie being glued together.  Yuck.  The best part–if we get pregnant this cycle, I get to continue them!  I stocked up on panty liners just in case.  Woot!

Reading a friend’s blog, I came across this 30 day list–and I decided to try it out.  I don’t blog daily, obviously, but hell if it takes me a year to do this, that’s ok too!  I am leaving the entire list on here so I have something to come back too!

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

So….something I hate about myself.  Should it be physical or mental or what?  I think this will be an obvious answer.  I hate that I can’t get pregnant, despite the fact of having no problems in the past.  I hate that my body is revolting against me and won’t cooperate.  I hate that we have to spend our money for infertility treatments and we have to make a million trips over an hour away–and I hate how no one seems to understand our pain.

I hate that this is happening and there is not one damn thing I can do about it.  I hate the fact we can’t conceive a baby without medical intervention.

So there, that is what I hate about myself…

Perhaps my next post will be more uplifting, but don’t hold your breath.

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The Best Laid Plans…

That title could insinuate so many things…

We have a plan, a family plan. One that will somewhat suck, but will be better for us in the end.

Big Daddy will be going to school from August – December, taking a course so he will be able to work at national parks and battlefields.  I am really excited for this, as is he…so it does indeed suck he will be away, but only a few hours.  He has a dream of working in Gettysburg and I seriously believe he will.  It gives him purpose, which gives way to confidence, which leads to a direct projection of happiness to our family.

The only part that makes me leery is if I get pregnant this round, I’ll deliver a month before his class is finished.  If.  I find it so hard to be positive when all I ever see are negatives.  While Drama Queen runs around making up stories about her siblings (which obviously do not exist) I ache even more for another baby.

Today doing our taxes I was pissed, then hurt, then sad all over again.  Entering Hannah as our dependent, our one and only, stuck me hard.  We should have two.  Sounds dumb, huh?  But not really.  It threw me back to when I told Big Daddy I was pregnant, and I said,  “Oh!  Just in time for a tax deduction!” To which he compared me to my father, yet laughed.

I’m hoping Saturday brings us good news at the ultrasound.  I can feel my pelvic area getting tender, I know I have follicles developing…I am so tired of waiting, dammit.

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