I haven’t written in a long, long time. Even now I am writing I think more for recording these days than for therapy, which is ok too. I don’t have anything witty to say and can’t guarantee that I will. We have had so much happen since April that I can’t possibly catch up. The pain that came from everything…I really can’t address it. I can’t think about it, I just keep looking ahead because if I think about it too much, I start to fall. And once the fall starts, everything else comes crashing down. I sob, hiccup, lose the ability to focus. We’ll never know why, Evan. What surrounded you and invaded you, and made you pull the trigger. But you are loved, so much. And missed more than you could ever, ever imagine. My heart hurts to think of you, the little boy who wore cowboy boots and shorts, the young man who I had to bribe to mow my grass…the orneriness that was always there. I can’t think of it anymore right now…I just wish you were here.
Our IVF was canceled right before Evan died. I felt like we lost another baby, and then the call that E had…well, you know. That pain, that grief….that was more than anything other thing I have ever experienced. There are no words. I felt extremely selfish to feel bad about our IVF cancellation, when my nephew wasn’t even alive any more. An emotional roller coaster like no other.
However, time has passed and we were handed another opportunity to throw our goodies in a dish and cross our fingers! We are keeping things quiet. Haven’t told hardly a soul, except maybe a couple people. Thanks to Hurricane Sandy and the threat of losing power (and my meds that needed refrigerated!), I sauntered down to our neighbors with a generator to ask them to store my meds. I don’t want all the questions and if it wouldn’t work, I don’t want people that don’t know it didn’t to ask me when I’m due. After 4 1/2 years of trying for another baby, we’re ready. We are ready like never before.
So many pregnancies in the past years have been announced and at first, it didn’t bother me. I just thought we needed more time. But as time passed, the first year, then the second…and we’ve passed our fourth–it’s distressing. More than that, it’s heartache. Multiple women I know have had multiple pregnancies and deliveries since we’ve been trying. Most without “trying” or “on accident”. I don’t understand why it can’t be that easy for us, but then again it seems like anything rarely happens that easily for us.
This time though–it HAS to work. Or I’m going to be one big hormonal hot mess. We’re going to Shady Grove, which is one of the nation’s top fertility centers. We have one shot at this–due to financial reasons. IVF is unbelievably expensive. Not just the entirety of the procedures, but my meds were over $3K. Ri-freaking-diculous. Luckily enough, I have two friends who just went through and were successful, so they donated $1600 worth of meds to me. Yay!!
I started stimming on November 14. Jeesh! I have given thousands of shots, but never a single one to myself. Talk about nerve-wracking! Now this next part is strictly for my record keeping 😉
Wed Nov 14– Follistim 150, Menopur 75
Thurs Nov 15–Follistim 150, Menopur 75
Fri Nov 16–Follistim 150, Menopur 75
On Saturday the 17th, I had my monitoring appointment. Holy eggs! I had 18 on my right and 17 on my left. No doubt–I feel like I’m carrying bowling balls in my pelvis. My lining was ok at 7.4, but my E2 level was high at 530.
So I start freaking out because the nurse (not my nurse) called and told me I had to decrease my meds since my E2 was so high. Of course I google everything and it gave me more of a panic.
Sat Nov 17– Follistim 112, Menopur 37.5
I went back this morning and I had a ton of eggies growing–one had already grown to 14mm from 10 overnight. My lining increased to 11.4 overnight!!!!!! My E2 level was 922–so I was all nervous and had bubble guts just thinking the worst. But my nurse called and lo and behold, she said things looked fantastic!! And my E2 level was so high because I had SO many eggs!! I feel so much better. I start Ganirelix tonight, which suppresses ovulation. So now I’ll be up to 3 shots daily.
Things are moving along quite nicely! Egg retrieval should be coming up soon. I go back to the doctor on Tuesday and we’ll go from there.
So, to discuss these shots. My awesome husband has insisted on giving them to me, which is great. We’ve decided to make videos of each night. Oh my–if people thought we were crazy before, they have no idea.